Thursday, March 13, 2008
my first girlfriend is getting married, and after rsvping to a night at the cheesecake factory, i discovered i was indeed a bachelorette party virgin. i left the house mildly thinking: "gift...? blender?" my thoughts should have occurred 24 hours previous when i was in capitol hill, land of the sexually uninhibited. or even 2 hours prior when i could have whipped up a sperm 'n egg coin purse or vagina pouch. and i should've had a better concept because everyone from the lowermainland remembers being 12 years old and walking to the back half of the San Fransisco stores in Vancouver to discover penis shaped pasta and underwear for two. the above photo is me attempting to figure out how well my camera would do in the restaurant lighting, but i quickly gave up and was happy it had a mounted flash and figured i could save the fussing till her big day on saturday. here's a tame photo of our group of girls...except her sister is sipping from a mini penis straw with crooked balls that the bride was too mortified to look at nevermind suck on.
and then we each took turns donning the ridiculously protective eyewhere to prevent any mishaps like this one below:
the bride, being pretty young, conservative, christian whi is normally pretty loud and outgoing, was quiet and embarassed at the gifts (see top photo, left). along with a 6 foot whip, a froofy, feathery hot pink wand, and a few other things, she received edible underwear that i want to describe as a yellow fruit roll up in the shape of back to the future's flux capacitor, but it didn't quite have...straps to go over the hips. photos below the top one are post-bellini-and-pina-colada when she lost her inhibitions about touching the penis waterbottle, came face to face with the term "tea bagging," and then voluntarily dunked her face in her whipping cream for the money shot.
one of her sisters, who was responsible for most of the phallic gifts, who is also a christian and normally wouldn't dream of walking into a sex shop had gone back the next day to purchase aforementioned 6 foot whip, and also dropped off a personal sized pizza, soda, and salad for the clerk as a small cheat for his diet....he broke down and started bawling in appreciation, saying that no one, friend nor stranger, had ever done anything so sweet for him before, and insisted on giving her something. despite her protests, she walked out of the store with a complimentary $70 video. the goood christian sister got into the car and was mortified to discover that (duh!) the guy had given her a porn video! but it made for a good laugh at our table though.
my dad called later that night to ask how my day was, and i said i went to a bachelorette party. to which he said, "where?" and i said the cheesecake factory. and then he said "then where?" this made me realize that i'm glad to have jenn as righthand(wo)man and not vanessa since she's the new crowned queen of planning campus pub crawls that i never attended while at UBC. i remember coming home from the bus in university at 1am from hastings and main, me smelling musty like coffee and old mop water and everyone else drunk as skunks pouring out of the clubs.